I have been asked several times if I can read people’s minds. When I introduce myself as a psychological counselor, I am asked to tell what the person opposite me is thinking. When I decline, or say I cannot it, people are not convinced. They feel a psychologist can read people’s minds.

But seriously who can?  People think they can, but the reality is no one can. I get queries asking to know what someone thought? For example, one girl wanted to know what a certain boy thought of her. Apparently he talks to her well, and she has sought his help at a particular time. He has helped her, and got her out of a crisis. She now feels she is in love with him.

She wanted me to tell her whether he loved her or not?  How was she to find out? She feels if he is nice to her because he talks to her, and if he helps her, he has certain feelings for her. So she is building up hope. She wants to know if that is love.

I said it was not possible for me to explain his thoughts. If she wanted to know, she could ask him outright. Where is the harm?  The worst thing he can do is decline her love. Of course she has to be prepared for this eventuality.

Another young woman too is fond of a young man. She is hesitating to ask him about his feelings. She feels he is right for her. I suggested she try and get friendly with him, let him become aware of her and if he is single, she could propose. Here too, he could decline. And again, she needs to be aware of this possibility. But fearing rejection, these girls are not approaching their respective boys. What if their love is accepted?  That possibility too exists, doesn’t it?  And if either do not broach the subject of love, and drift apart, they could have regrets all their lives.

Many people think it is possible to read others’ thoughts by their actions. That is not possible. Just because someone helps you, it does not conclude he/she has feelings for you. If a colleague helps you with a project, it does not mean you are special to that person. And if a boy or girl are friends, it does not mean they are in love. But many people imagine this and rumors spread.

Those who suffer from low self esteem, do mind reading. They feel people are always talking about them, saying negative things about them. They hate anyone thinking bad about them and end up all messed up inside. The fact that out of the ten people you meet, six could like you, three could not like you and one can be indifferent, does not strike them. This is a natural process. But the focus is on the three who do not, instead of on the six who do!

Yes, it is great when people like us and accept us. But by the same token, when someone does not like us, it should not shatter us. Those who do not like us will have their reasons. Maybe we remind him/her of a hated relative, or maybe they envy our outlook/opinion, etc. Anyway, one must learn to brush off such people. Does it matter that this person does not like?  Will it harm us if we are not liked?

The way out of such distorted thought that people have to think good about us, is to challenge these thoughts. Yes, someone does not like us, so what? What happens?  Etc. And what gave us the idea the thoughts of that person is only negative?

Sometimes we see someone looking at us. It can make us uncomfortable. And we start putting thoughts into that person’s head.  He is criticizing my clothes, my hair, my height/weight, etc. Actually that person could be looking at us absentmindedly and his thoughts could be elsewhere. There are several movies that show how a blind person is supposed to be staring and gets into trouble. Only when it is revealed he his blind, people apologize for their behavior.

If you end up trying to read people’s mind and basing your actions on that, life is going to be difficult. If you feel someone is having a negative opinion about you, ask outright what is bothering them?  Is it something you said, did, or did not do?  If the person involved is important to you, then his/her opinion could be important. And if for some reason this person has made a negative remark, instead of attaching your meanings and trying to out- think this person, ask outright why that remark was made? Maybe you will learn something.

Each person’s thoughts are his/hers. Trying to read them could land you in trouble. You learn to watch your thoughts, understand them and see if you need to change them. Distorted thoughts will lead to a miserable life. It is better to challenge them and learn to rearrange your thoughts.

Some people make a parody of popular songs; that is imposing your words on the actual lyrics. Some people even mute the volume of a scene in a movie and impose their dialogues. Mind reading is essentially the same. You are imposing your thoughts on to another person’s head and thinking it is theirs. Because you cannot see, hear or read anyone’s thoughts. Unless that person reveals them to you.

So stop the habit of trying to read someone’s thoughts. Many a times you are not aware of your thoughts, so how can you guess others’? If something bothers you, do not hesitate to ask questions. They are safer and will lead to less conflicts.

– Rajani Nandakumar,

Picture Courtesy: ste.india.com